Resolving conflict in marriage involves arguing (or fighting) without suppressing anger. Here's what a psychologist and a counselor know about keeping marital relationships happy.
Couples who suppress anger are twice as likely to face early death as those who express it, says University of Michigan psychology professor emeritus Ernest Harburg. A good fight with your spouse could be the key to a happy marriage.
What the Research Shows about Conflict in Marriage
Brooding on the things that irritate you, suppressing your anger, and giving your partner the “silent treatment” are not components of healthy conflict resolution – or a happy marriage.
The key to a happy marriage is healthy conflict resolution, which means expressing how you feel honestly and respectfully.
Why Unhappy Marriages Are Harder on Wives
UCLA researchers found that when husbands go home after work, their stress hormone cortisol is dramatically reduced whether or not they’re happily married. In contrast, wives enjoy lower cortisol levels after work only if they’re happily married. If they’re unhappy, their cortisol increases when they get home. Chronic stress elevates cortisol, which can lead to many health problems: depression, chronic fatigue, and possibly even cancer.
To ensure marriages are happy and cortisol levels are low, let both partners unwind after work, divide parenting responsibilities equally, and share domestic chores. This, along with healthy conflict resolution, may be the key to a happy marriage.
How to Resolve Conflict in Marriage
"When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict," Harburg says. "Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that's fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?"
To vent anger in a healthy way, Montreal-based psychologist Dr Laurie Betito suggests starting sentences with “I feel…” rather than “You make me feel...” Try saying “I feel overwhelmed,” instead of “You never help around here” (which puts your partner on the defensive).
“Talking about your problems gives you perspective, makes you feel understood, and allows others to support you,” says Dr Betito. “You don’t feel like you’re all alone.”
Related Reading
For more information on conflict in marriage, read How Children Affect Marital Happiness.
And, see the Top 10 Articles on Marital Happiness or Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating for a full range of information about emotional infidelity, overcoming affairs, fear of intimacy, and communication tips for couples.
Sources:
- University of Michigan press release, “A Good Fight May Keep You and Your Marriage Healthy”, January 22, 2008.?
- Email interview with Dr. Laurie Betito
