Couples often wait until their marriage is nearly intolerable before they seek out the support of a counselor. Getting help early on can help couples recognize where they're getting snagged in conflict so they can learn new ways of interacting.
12 Warning Signs
- Frequent bickering, often over trivial things
- Unfair fighting, often attacking the other person
- Avoiding contact with your partner
- Not enjoying time together
- Little or nothing to say to each other
- Disagreeing about important goals and values
- Damaged trust, or suspicious feelings about partner's behavior
- Less sexual intimacy
- Infidelity (an affair)
- Preferring time apart to time together
Choosing the Right Counselor
The most important criteria to consider when choosing a couple's therapist is the level of comfort, rapport and trust you feel with her. A counselor's job is to manage the atmosphere of security, safety and hope in the counseling session, and create a "container" for truth-telling and the healing of wounds within and between individuals. This is intensely personal work, and it cannot happen unless the couple seeking counseling feels safe and respected.
A marriage counselor should also ask questions that challenge her client to think about things in new ways and to learn more about himself and how he thinks and behave in relationships. The counselor's job is not to "fix" an individual, but rather to provide an environment, dialogue and information designed to help people "fix" themselves (not each other).
Getting the Most Out of Couple's Therapy
It's up to the client to make the most of counseling sessions (insurance typically only pays for a relatively small number of counseling sessions, if any).
- Take time to complete it or practice the new skill.
- Set aside time each day to try out new ideas or techniques learned in the counseling session.
- Have weekly, mindful dates, where the focus is on enjoying each other without discussing issues, problems, kids or finances.
Taking an active role in the process of therapy dramatically increases its effectiveness, and couples should experience a difference in the way they interact with each other. Change won't happen quickly, but if it's not happening at all, it's important to tell the therapist.
The therapist's methods in working with a couple should remain fluid so that she can change focus if necessary, but she'll only know it's not working if her clients speak up and let her know (this is another way to take an active role in couples' therapy).
No relationship is without occasional disagreements or conflicting perspectives. How couples negotiate these differences greatly influences the environment of comfort and safety in a relationship.
Marriage counselors can help partners navigate these challenges in a way that nurtures the relationship rather than breaking it down. When couples nurture their relationship and are proactive about its health, they are better able to achieve a deeply satisfying, lifelong connection.
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