How to Decide About Getting Divorced
Four Options for Married Couples in an Unhappy Marriage
Sep 16, 2009 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Divorce doesn’t just affect the married couple, which is partly why it’s so difficult to decide whether to get divorced. Getting divorced versus staying married is a decision that affects the couple’s children, extended family, circle of friends, and sometimes even their colleagues.
These four options for couples struggling in unhappy marriages may help resolve the question of, “Should we get a divorce?” Reading, thinking about, and discussing these options will help clarify each partner’s feelings about and hopes for the future of the marriage.
Stay Married and Hope the Marriage Improves
“Although it may sound silly, you do have the option of doing nothing and hoping things improve,” writes Susan Pease Gadoua in Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go. “Sometimes, putting the problems on the back burner does make issues go away for a period, but in most cases they usually resurface somewhere down the road.”
If a married couple chooses to ignore marriage problems now, those problems may lead to a future crisis, such as physical or emotional affairs, financial losses, addictions, or mental or emotional breakdowns. Ignoring problems often makes unhappy marriages even unhappier in the long run. Ignoring marital problems may only temporarily solve the problem of whether to get a divorce.
Resolve Marriage Problems – Stay Married With Inside Interventions
Inside interventions that can help an unhappy couple include reading books about rebuilding a strong marriage and/or books that describe when divorce is the best option. Or, a couple can, through rational discussions over a period of time, methodically and objectively explore and resolve the marriage problems that lead to this point – an option that's difficult, but doable! Inside interventions involve dedication on both partners’ parts. Both partners need to be committed to making the marriage work.
Other types of inside interventions that can rebuild unhappy marriages include career changes, geographical moves, or even having a child – but often these are distractions that temporarily hide marriage problems. Whether those interventions work depends on the source of the marriage problems.
Resolve Marriage Problems – Stay Married With Outside Interventions
Getting a divorce could be avoided with outside interventions such as couples counseling, family or marital therapy, legal mediation, or a trial separation. But, be warned: “People sometimes have unrealistic expectations of how much these outside influences can accomplish,” says Gadoua. “What couples should keep in mind is that the success rate of any intervention they employ, regardless of what it is or how capable the professional, will only be as good as both spouses’ levels of motivation.”
Indeed, couples counseling has the dubious reputation of causing couples to split up for good. To learn more, read Why Couples Counseling Seems to Cause Divorce.
Get a Divorce – Seek Resources and Initiate Divorce Proceedings
If the above options for couples in unhappy marriages don’t solve the “Should we get a divorce?” question, then it may be time to seek resources for divorce. This can involve talking to a divorce lawyer, reading books about divorce, attending divorce support groups, and learning how to share the news of the marriage breakdown to family and friends.
The decision to get a divorce or stay married is never easy – but deciding one way or another and then working towards that goal can be empowering, liberating, and even healing!
Related Reading
For more information about marriage in general, read the Top 10 Articles on Marital Happiness.
Source:
- Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Susan Pease Gadoua (New Harbinger, 2008).
Should We Get a Divorce?
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