It's a myth that few men experience domestic violence. Here's an inside look into the prevalence and health effects of emotional and physical husband abuse.
If you think that emotional and physical abuse of husbands is rare because many men are stronger than women, you’re mistaken. Robert J. Reid, MD, an associate investigator at the Group Health Center for Health Studies, reports that many men experience domestic violence.
What the Research Reveals about Husband Abuse
Reid and his colleagues conducted phone interviews of over 400 randomly sampled men. They found that 5% of men experienced domestic violence in the past year, 10% experienced it in the past five years, and 29% experienced it over their lifetimes.
To these researchers, domestic violence includes nonphysical abuse (emotional abuse such as threats, chronic disparaging remarks, or controlling behavior) and physical abuse, such as slapping, hitting, kicking, or forced sex.
The Effects of Husband Abuse
Men who experience domestic violence can experience serious, long-term effects on their mental health. Emotional abuse can take a serious toll on a man’s psyche, resulting in depression or low self-esteem.
Male domestic abuse doesn’t go away if it’s ignored. Sometimes abused husbands stay in the marriage because they think it won’t happen again – similar to abused wives.
“We know that many women may have trouble leaving abusive relationships, especially if they're caring for young children and not working outside the home," said Dr. Reid. "We were surprised to find that most men in abusive relationships also stay, through multiple episodes, for years."
Younger Men Report Domestic Violence More Often
Reid reports that men 55 years old or older are less likely than younger men to report husband abuse. Older men are less likely to talk about domestic violence, possibly because of the stigma surrounding it.
Another reason male domestic abuse is underreported may be that doctors don’t bring broach the subject with their patients.
"We doctors hardly ever ask our male patients about being abused--and they seldom tell us," said Dr. Reid. "Many abused men feel ashamed because of societal expectations for men to be tough and in control."
Both Husband and Wife Abuse Are Serious Concerns
Reid stressed that wife abuse is just as concerning as husband abuse – and he and his colleagues have now studied both.
"Our team is concerned about abuse of people: of women as well as men," Dr. Reid said. "We do not want to downplay the seriousness of domestic violence as experienced by women."
If you think you’re the victim of male domestic violence, contact your doctor, a counselor, or a pastor. Couples counseling may be the most effective way to resolve husband abuse. If the situation warrants it, leaving the marriage or obtaining a restraining order may be the best solution.
If you found Emotional & Physical Husband Abuse helpful, you might try:
Source: Group Health Cooperative Center for Health Studies (2008, May 20). "Men Experience Domestic Violence, With Health Impact." ScienceDaily.
The copyright of the article Emotional & Physical Husband Abuse in Couples Counselling is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Emotional & Physical Husband Abuse in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Although I can't argue with Reid's findings and agree that the personal
experience of abuse must have negative effects on men, I believe it is
important to recognize wife abuse as a more serious social problem than
husband abuse, because of the physical and economic power differences
between men and women. Husbands in the US are almost always larger and
more physically powerful than their wives. Men are also socialized to use
violence to solve problems and are more experienced in physical fighting.
Although abuse *harms* husbands, wives are more likely than are husbands to
be seriously injured or killed by abuse. In 2004, women were three times
more likely than men to be victims of "Intimate Homicide" (FBI
statistics on web site "The Silent Witness Project"). In 2004,
about 33% of female murder victims were killed by an intimate - vs. 3% of
male murder victims (US Bureau of Justice statistics). And, "women are
7 to 10 times more likely to be injured in acts of intimate violence than
are men" (ibid). Adding to the physical differential, wives,
especially those with young children, are more often financially dependent
than are husbands, and wives are less likely to leave children behind when
a marriage ends. Likely to be physically and economically weaker, women
face more difficulty leaving dangerous marriages than do men. And, children
who remain with mothers who can't leave, are harmed, because children who
witness spousal abuse suffer lifelong problems as a result. Together, these
consequences make wife abuse a more serious social problem than husband
abuse. While reprehensible and painful, husband abuse should not be
presented as equal to wife abuse. Along with misogynist attitudes such as
the idea that women who properly obey their husbands are safe from abuse,
apologists for misogyny use the "wives do it to their husbands
too" argument to minimize the seriousness of the physical threat that
wife abuse poses to women and their children, up to and including death.
Although not intending to, this article could support that argument when
reassuring us that Reid isn't diminishing wife abuse, when it says that
Reid believes "wife abuse is just as concerning as husband
abuse". In my opinion, supported by national statistics, wife abuse
is measurably more serious than is husband abuse, and should be overtly
identified as such in discussions of domestic violence.
Sep 15, 2008 11:48 PM
Guest :
In response to comment from "Guest" dated Sept. 15:
I
believe that husband abuse is a major issue - my own father has been abused
for over 25 years; my sister and I witnessed it all (and, by proxy, were
abused as well). There was psychological and emotional abuse all around.
And true to most findings, the man is usually the one who has the abuse put
on his record, EVEN IF HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. My mom used to throw heavy,
sharp objects at my dad, stratch him, and threaten to kill him. Most
times, she'd call the police and blame it on him. Why doesn't he just tell
the truth? Because he loves her and is trying to protect her. Some common
arguments: she had a bad childhood and doesn't know any better, she won't
be able to support herself without my income, she is truly a really nice
woman, I don't want to see her out of a home or in jail, etc. This is a
serious issue that is on the rise; we should not ignore, disregard, or
diminish its significance. When Reid says "wife abuse is just as
concerning as husband abuse," the quote is reversible. I think wife
abuse is more physical and dramatic - it shows up in bruises, broken
bodies, etc; husband abuse is more subversive and psychological, but, I
believe, equally painful for its victims. Plus, there is less help for
husbands who are abused, which makes it harder to deal with. In a series
of articles directly aimed at the issue of husband abuse, I do not find it
necessary to "undervalue" the findings by saying that wife abuse
is still more prevalent in (US) society.
Oh, and another thing:
how is wife abuse a more serious social problem than the demeaning,
emasculating abuse of husbands? Making men feel like worthless dogs while
draining them of life, dreams, hope...and money? Making them feel like
they cannot be trusted and that they are always the ones to blame? I
believe abuse is simply not acceptable, be it wife or husband or child
abuse, but to say that one is more worthy of research than another? No
way. At this time, I'd say that husband abuse is worthy of more research
and funding, as there are VERY few resources for men in abusive
relationships...or for their children.
Sep 16, 2008 12:24 PM
Guest :
In answer to your question, “how is wife abuse a more serious social
problem than the demeaning, emasculating abuse of husbands?” (responding to
my September 15 post):
I am sorry that your family endured that
pain of a father who was abused by your mother. My family suffered my
mother’s abuse by my father. I imagine this colors both of our feelings
about the topic.
I completely agree that husband abuse is
abhorrent. Since it is in the early stages of research and public
awareness, abused men likely feel especially isolated and shamed, much as
women were before the issue was well known. The role of victim is also
particularly incompatible with stereotypical male role, and likely causes
gender role conflicts that do not arise for female victims of abuse. I also
agree with you that children of abused men and abuse women are both harmed.
And I support research and programs to raise public awareness and to help
male victims of partner abuse.
However, the fact remains that
wives, more often than husbands, experience abuse leading to serious injury
and death. Combine this with the fact that economically, women are more
dependent and less able to leave an abusive spouse, and are thus more often
trapped, unable to remove themselves and their children from harm. Add to
this that being less physically powerful, wives are less able to protect
their children from a husband’s physical or emotional abuse. Together,
these conditions of wife abuse make it a social phenomenon that, in sum,
causes a greater amount of harm - both physical and psychological - than
does husband abuse. Unless we hold as equal all social problems that cause
people pain, I maintain that wife abuse is more serious social problem.
I do not argue against the allocation of resources for male victims
of domestic abuse, but I would hate to have to choose between them. Better
that we had the money to fund all the social issues that need funding and
that we could stop fueling the war machine in the Middle East!
Oct 7, 2008 12:15 PM
Guest :
In the past few years I've had to wonder if I'm just having marital
problems or actually in an abusive relationship. There is no physical
violence. My quandry is my wife becoming a gambling addict and squandering
tens of thousands of dollars which came from me without my knowledge. She
paid the bills, which were paid on time, and after 30 years of marriage I
just wasn't expecting to be blindsided like this. I had just paid off my
mortgage when all of this came to a head. I had to get a home equity loan.
She went out and did it again requiring another loan. A long story short,
every dime she makes at work goes to pay off her debts. It's only two years
on a ten year note and she wants to bail with a divorce so she can take
what I've saved, pay off her debts, and live happily ever after. Meanwhile
I'm left holding the bag. Then she changes her mind and says we'll get
through it. The next day it's back to a divorce. I don't feel like I'm in a
marriage anymore as much as being held for ransom. My state is known to use
husbands as pinatas in the courtroom. I could understand if I was the
perpetrator in all this, but I'm not. My wife has brought all this misery
on herself, but it falls on me when she realizes what she's done. I'm at my
wits end. I'm not 25 and have a lot of time to recover from the financial
mess a divorce will cost, not her, me!!! She's constantly bringing the
legal system up and how it favors women, but once again I'm not the guilty
party. Yes, I've visited a lawyer, but the laws in this country are out of
whack to say the least. The lawyer tells me I might only wind up losing my
legs in a divorce. Some consolation. Meanwhile at home I'm walking on
eggshells wondering what my wife's next outburst will be. Am I being
abused???
Oct 7, 2008 3:17 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Yes, it sounds like husband abuse for sure. More importantly, how do you
get out of it? Women do have shelters and laws to protect them...but it
sounds like it's much different for men.
As difficult as paying
a hefty price for a divorce is, it may be a better option than staying in a
marriage that's unhealthy and abusive. Sometimes starting over with nothing
- but a peaceful home - is a good place to be.
Sorry I don't
have any brilliant answers for you.
- Laurie
Oct 11, 2008 8:13 AM
Guest :
I do have a question for you. Can I be evaluated by some professional
for abuse? I do have documentation such as my wife spending up to $1000 a
day for lottery tickets and my willingness to support her during this
period, yet I'm constantly at her whim. It would seem to me such an
evaluation might bolster "my" position should a divorce happen.
Oct 11, 2008 8:38 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Definitely -- if you do end up in "divorce court", you want to
have real evidence that she was mistreating you, your relationship, and/or
kids. Keep records of when she gambles, takes money out of the account,
comes home, etc. if you can, have an independent witness who can verify
your claims.
And, one such witness can be a counselor,
psychologist, pastor -- someone who is credible, professional, and who
doesn't stand to gain from this endeavor. Call a counseling hotline, a
psychologist from the yellow pages -- any professional organization should
be able to help you with this.
Good luck - and sorry you're in
this situation!
Nov 17, 2008 7:00 AM
Guest :
A friend of mine has been enduring emotional abuse by his wife for the last
1.5 years (the length of their marriage). She's isolated him from all of
his friends and family. She made him change his phone number and denies him
a car (she has their only car). She goes through he cell phone to see who
he's talked to that day and even if it's his mother or father she well
scream at him about making her a part of his family and keeping secrets
from her doesn't do that. And just recently she has started making things
up about his family saying that they hate her and that she's not welcome in
their house and they will no longer be coming over. She has claimed for the
last year and a half that she is physically sick and I believe this is all
made up to make him stay. Now, he finally couldn't take it anymore, he's
been sleeping in the car just so he can sleep without her yelling at him
all night long. Finally this weekend he couldn't take it anymore, he told
her to leave to move back in with her parents, take her car and her things
and not to see him anymore because he can't take it anymore. She in turn
called the cops claiming that he threatened her life. And when she returned
later that day to retreive her stuff she had the cops escort her because
she "feared for her life", when honestly we all fear for his.
This was brilliant on her behalf, because even though she's the abuser it
will not seem that he is because the only thing that's on the books is that
he threatened her, which was completely not true. Now her parents and her
are making phone calls to his parents saying they want the divorce to go
quickly and fairly and she just wants to get out of it because they fear
for their daughter's life. It's all lies to make sure it looks like she is
the victim. We have all jumped in to help him because we have been
witnessing this happen over the last year and a half, honestly it started
even before they were married and we pleaded with him to not marry her but
he did. They both need counselling and help but with the divorce is there
any advice for making sure his side is heard and believed?
Nov 17, 2008 8:47 AM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
I'm sorry to hear about your friend, what a sad situation. What he needs to
do is keep accurate accounts of the abuse. Photos of bruises, witnesses of
her screaming fits, and other types of sound evidence that proves she's the
abuser. That's if they have kids and he wants to keep seeing them.......but
if he just wants out of the marriage, then he should just file for divorce.
The laws are different in each state or province; his best bet is to
consult a divorce lawyer, mediator, or counselor.
Good luck -
and what a great friend you are! Too bad he didn't heed your warnings
before moving in with her....lust is blind, isn't it?
Best
wishes - and if you discover anything that would help other men suffering
from husband abuse, please feel free to come back and comment here.
Laurie
Feb 5, 2009 6:32 AM
Guest :
This morning she kicked me in the balls as hard as she could. I had made
our son and us breakfast as usual. He began to cry. I try to leave them
alone in these situations because if I do try to help she yells at me.
After his screaming for 10 mins. I came to try to distract him by taking
him to get dressed to take him to grandma's ..we were late for work. I
suggested she bring him into the other room and get dressed. She ordered me
away. 5 more minutes I came and tried to take him in my arms from hers.
Telling her that perhaps we could distract him and by dressing him.She
screamed and pushed me away. I grabbed her wrist and she screamed that I
was hurting her. I almost completely released my grip and she continued to
scream that I was hurting her and boom kicked me full in the balls. I was
shocked. We yelled at each other for a minute or two. She has hit me
several times in the past but this was really horrible. We are in
counseling. She is also seeing a psychiatrist. The house is in her name. I
am an American living in the Czech Republic. If I leave her I loose the
house and the chance to raise my son but I don't see any alternative...the
counseling is not working. Sorry for the ramble but its good to get this
off my chest.
Mar 30, 2009 8:17 PM
Guest :
I believe that men suffer in silence with either physical or emotional
abuse because in a divorce situation the mother is granted custody unless
it can be proven that she is a danger to the children. Florida DCF and a
fathers rights Lawyer, told my son that it would be almost impossible to
prove there is any mental abuse going on toward him or the children and
should he file for divorce she will most likely be given custody. He stays
because being there as a barrier between her and the five year old is
better than not being there and leaving her completely defenseless.
Florida DCF is useless with mental or emotional abuse. How can this cycle
be broken if men can't get the same support that an abused women with
children get
Aug 9, 2009 3:49 AM
Guest :
Well, there is no point arguing which sex abuse is more severe. Any kind of
abuse (including child abuse) is threatening and alarming.
I am
personally facing abuse in my marital life, and even before that. What I do
is to cure my wife because I'm optimistic. However, I strongly feel that a
psychologist must be consulted to do that.
And every male must
remember, there is no social stigma associated with this. If you put
yourself in a shell, be ready for higher consequences.
Oct 10, 2009 6:07 AM
Guest :
In response to the person that thinks it is less damaging on one side then
the other you are obviously from somewhere other than this wonderful place
that we call the United States with all of its unique cultural traits.
Take for instance the facts you pointed out. Well I can personally tell
you the police take them to heart. I had black eye, a bite mark on my arm,
a toe that was bleeding as well as several bruises when they charged me
with domestic violence and put me in jail while at the same time advised my
wife who has had a history of violence to obtain a restraining order. She
did not - she did appologize and as I sit here with a fat lip from the
blows she threw last night I wonder how long I can hold this together. You
see I beat the charges because she knew that I had video of her hitting me.
She thought that my ex-employers would testify against her for all the
black eyes. But the truth is both her and the police lied. How do you
like thost apples??? Kind of rotten if you ask me. I lost a job that paid
$22.00 an hour and have finaly found one that will pay $15.00 to add insult
to injury the state even supported my former employer on my dismissal (I
did not show up for work - I was in jail) and denied my unemployment claim.
The fact that the judge and all these idiots in the court room were
looking at me as a wife beater did not hit until my lawer told me that is
what they thought - I just looked at her and said - You have got to be
kidding - I never hit anyone. I never did anything they say I did - she
just said - "I am telling you this because that is what they
assume" - She was right - case dismissed as my wife does love me she
just has anger issues and she does not no how to take someone being her
equual and she is certainluy short of words and temper! That said -
because I do love her and her me she has had to pay for that lil issue for
about the last 4 months when I had no pay. I am not ever goig to say that
I will rruly forgive her for all the pain she has caused me I mean when you
break someones nose - it ust goes down hill from there - and it has. When
you learn to curl in a ball and scream at the top of your lungs to wake
someone else in the house - I would have to say that you are not the one
that is the abuser - at least if you see it my way. If you see it hers
then I am not following directions and you guessed it - more hits to the
head for you! What else can I do? I guess I am just a wimp like she says
- je
May 30, 2008
